come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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