Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
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This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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