I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
