Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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