Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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