I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
