That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
