Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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