she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
