He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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