Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We have started to decorate penises.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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