this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
