the condom got lost in my hair
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city