Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
