hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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