the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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