you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
