a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
