I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
