I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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