listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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