i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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