so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
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Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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