just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Green mimosas i think yes
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
