Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
