The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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