Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
