you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
