Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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