That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
