So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
