Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
