I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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