so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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