You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
