I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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