dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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