I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
