Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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