I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
