It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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