i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want nice things and good sex
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
