i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
