I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
