i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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