That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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