i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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