How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
