walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
