there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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