I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
