So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
