sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
