he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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