im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
