I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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